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| Everyday, a hen owned by a maori man would lay an egg in his garden which was used his daily breakfast. One day, he looked into his garden only to find that the hen laid her egg in the Samoan’s garden. He was about to go next door when saw the Samoan rush out of the house to pick up the egg for himself. The Maori ran up to the Samoan and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Samoan disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Maori said, "In Aotearoa we normally solve disputes by the following method. I kick you in the nuts and time how long it takes you to get back up, and then you kick me in the nuts and time how long it takes me to get up. Whoever gets up the quickest wins the egg." The Samoan thought for a moment and noticed that the Maori was only wearing barefeet. He then looked at his own feet, which boasted a shiny pair of new Nike Basketball boots. He quickly agreed to resolve the dispute, "Maori Style". The Maori took a few steps back and kicked the Samoan in the balls as hard as he could. The Samoan fell to the ground clutching himself and howled in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually, the Samoan stood up and said; "Now it’s my turn to kick you." The Maori shrugged his shoulders and said, "No, you can keep the egg!" |
An Englishman goes to Australia with his wife; they stay in a 5 star hotel and hire a Limo for the day. While driving along the road, his wife asks: "Look! What is that man doing with that kangaroo?" The man replies, "My God! Don't look, it's disgusting!" Further down the road the wife says, "Look, another one!" and the husband says: "Disgusting! I shall report this when we get back to the hotel." They arrive back at the hotel only to find a man with one wooden leg having a wank on the steps of the hotel. The husband charges in and says to the manager: "Look, we come here in good faith, to stay in your 5 star hotel and what happens? We are driving down the road and we come across a drover in copulation with a kangaroo. Further on, recurrence of the same thing. Then we get back here only to find a man with one wooden leg, masturbating on your front steps. Well, what do you have to say about that?" The manager says: "'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?" |
An Aussie bloke is having a quiet drink in a bar and leans over to the big guy next to him and says, "Do you wanna hear a Kiwi joke?" The big guy replies, "Well mate, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 1.90 m tall, 125 kg and I played as a forward for the All Blacks." "The guy next to me is 1.85 m, weighs 115 kg and he's an ex-All Black lock." "Next to him is a bloke who's 2 m tall, weighs 120 kg and he's a current All Black second rower. Now do you still want to tell that Kiwi joke?" The first bloke says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times." The manager says: "'S'truth mate, you expect a man with one wooden leg to catch his own kangaroo?" |
| An Australian travel writer, touring Canada, was checking-out of the Hilton. As he paid his bill, he asked the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh! That's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He's known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember even the slightest detail of his life." The travel writer took this in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "G'day mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of 'Big Chief Forget-me Not's' great memory. On his return to the Hilton six months later, he was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. Remembering that one local had informed him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief rather than 'G'day', the Aussie greets him with, "How?" "Scrambled," replied the Chief. |
Question: How does a New Zealand man find a sheep in long grass? Answer: Pleasurable! |
Three Kiwis and three Aussies are travelling by train to a rugby game. At the station, the three Kiwis each buy a ticket and watch with bewilderment as the three Aussiesbuy only a single ticket between them.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers the Aussie. They all board the train. The Kiwis take their respective seats but all three Aussies cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket please". The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Kiwis see this and agree it was quite a clever plan. So after the game, the Kiwis decide to copy the Aussies on the return trip and save some money, (being clever with money and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for their return trip. To their astonishment, the Aussies don’t buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel ‘without’ a ticket?" asks one perplexed Kiwi. "Watch and you’ll see", answers a Aussie. When they board the train, the three Kiwis cram into a bathroom and the Aussies cram into another nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterwards, one of the Aussies leaves and walks over to the bathroom where the Kiwis are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets please"! |
| Question: Do you know why they raised the minimum drinking age in New Zealand to 32? Answer: They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools. |
A new law was recently passed in New Zealand so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister. | Why aren't there any Kiwis on Star Trek? They don't work in the future either. |
| A Queenslander is drinking in a West Aussie bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland folks. My boy is a typical Queensland baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later he returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in two weeks. We were going to call you; so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Queensland father takes a slow swig from his XXXX, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised." |
THE RURAL AUSTRALIAN DICTIONARY OF COMPUTER TERMINOLOGY: * Log On - Make the barbecue hotter * Log Off - The barbecue is too hot * Monitor - Keeping an eye on the barbecue * Download - Get the firewood off the ute * Hard drive - Trip back home without any cold tinnies * Floppy Disc - What you get lifting too much firewood at once * Keyboard - Where you hang the ute and bike keys * Window - What you shut when it's cold * Screen - What you shut in the mosquito season * Byte - What mosquitoes do * Bit - What mosquitoes did * Mega Byte - What Townsville mosquitoes do * Chip - A bar snack * Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you have eaten the chips * Modem - What you did to the lawns * Dot Matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife * Laptop - Where the cat sleeps * Software - Plastic knives and forks you get at McDonald's * Hardware - Real stainless steel knives and forks from K Mart * Mouse - What eats the grain in the shed * Mainframe - What holds the shed up * Web - What spiders make * Web Site - The shed or under the veranda * Cursor - The old bloke who swears a lot * Search Engine - What you do when the ute won't go * Yahoo - What you say when the ute does go * Upgrade - A steep hill * Server - The sheila at the pub who brings out the counter lunch * Mail Server - The bloke at the pub that brings out the counter lunch * User - The neighbour who keeps borrowing things * Network - When you have to repair your fishing net * Internet - Complicated fish net repair method * Netscape - When fish manoeuvres out of reach of net * Online - When you get the laundry hung out * Off Line - When the pegs don't hold the washing |
A lion in the zoo sitting there licking it's hole.
A visitor says, "He doesn't look very vicious to me." "Well he is." Says the zoo keeper, "he just grabbed a Kiwi, pulled him through the fence and ate him all up." "Is that right?" says the visitor, "he seems pretty casual, why is he licking his arse?" The zoo keeper replies, "He's trying to get the horrible taste out of his mouth." |
| Question: Why does the New Zealand man like to fuck sheep close to the cliffs? Answer: Because they push harder back. (eingeschickt von Achim) |
A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large". Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"? (eingeschickt von Tanja aus Gütersloh) |
An Australian couple are on there honeymoon and are about to consumate the marriage when the bride says to her husband, "Can you please be gentle? I'm still a virgin". The man quickly gets up to call his dad. "Dad she's a virgin, I don't know what to do" he says. Angered by this the dad replies, "If she's not good enough for her family then she ain't good enough for ours" |
| A bus stop and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following: "Emma come first. Then I come. Then two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one last time." The lady can't take this any more, "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!" She retorted indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives." "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi". | Während des Melbourne Cup unterhalten sich zwei ältere Damen: "Warum rennt das Pferd da vorn so unglaublich schnell?", will die eine wissen. "Dem Champion", erwidert die andere, "winkt ein großes Preisgeld." Darauf die erste: "Verstehe, aber warum laufen dann die anderen?" | An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order, a Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other.
At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that if she pays him more some attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her: "Melbourne" - "So am I ... What suburb in Melbourne?" - "Glen Iris" he replies. "That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street" he replies. "This is unbelievable ..." she says, "What number?" He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22! My parents still live there!" - "I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"
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